small changes can lead to big differences.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

dear 15 year old self...

15 year old Marjie had a lot of goals and aspirations. (Ok, I'm already done with the third person thing, I will now refer to myself as "i") Every weekend I could, I'd hop on the train downtown and skateboard with my friends or by myself. I explored the city, went to a billion shows, shopped at all the crazy stores with what little money I had, and of course, shaved my head into a mohawk. (No, sorry, there's only one photo and I can't find it.) I loved being downtown and going on adventures. We didn't even have to be doing anything in particular, just skateboarding or running around the city was enough for me.

I wanted to move out so bad. I'd dream of the day it'd happen. Once I started working (at the age of 15, too) I started buying things for my future apartment. I'd look up apartments online, trying to see if I could afford them and started budgeting for them. I also wanted to travel the world - nothing excited me more than the thought of hopping on a plane and zooming all over the world. To me, that was the ultimate goal - to move out, be cool and travel.

I moved out when I was 21, and it was a horrifying experience at first. I had changed from that 15 year old fearless girl to a timid and self-loathing young adult. I was going through a rough breakup and living on my own, away from my dogs & family was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I cried almost every day for a week, but in between crying I'd get excited.. because that was my place. Yet I was so lonely - I didn't have many friends in the city, and those I did know lived on the other side. It didn't take too long for me to snap out of it, though. The crying subsided and I started meeting new people at the jobs I was working. I also decided to find a roommate, which helped a lot.

I finally started to find my place in the city. I started to re-build my self-worth over the next few years. I'd never go through a horrendous breakup again, simply because I wasn't dating horrendous guys. (oops, I totally just jynxed that. Oh well.) But I also wasn't depending completely on my relationships, so when we'd break up, I wouldn't be completely lost - just sad and confused, but accepting.

Regardless, here I am today about to be 26. It's been almost 10 years since I was 16, dreaming of my future apartment in a hip neighborhood, hoping I could travel. Well, 16 year old Marjie, I hope I've done you proud. You have taught me so many valuable life lessons just by being you. There have been moments of weakness where I've sat there thinking "what happened to me?" and I'd remember the fearless girl you once were. I remembered how I didn't care what anyone thought of me, and that I had a plan, and dreams. I'm so proud to know that I've made a lot of my dreams come true.

Sincerely, 25 (soon to be 26) year old Marjie

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