small changes can lead to big differences.

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

dear 15 year old self...

15 year old Marjie had a lot of goals and aspirations. (Ok, I'm already done with the third person thing, I will now refer to myself as "i") Every weekend I could, I'd hop on the train downtown and skateboard with my friends or by myself. I explored the city, went to a billion shows, shopped at all the crazy stores with what little money I had, and of course, shaved my head into a mohawk. (No, sorry, there's only one photo and I can't find it.) I loved being downtown and going on adventures. We didn't even have to be doing anything in particular, just skateboarding or running around the city was enough for me.

I wanted to move out so bad. I'd dream of the day it'd happen. Once I started working (at the age of 15, too) I started buying things for my future apartment. I'd look up apartments online, trying to see if I could afford them and started budgeting for them. I also wanted to travel the world - nothing excited me more than the thought of hopping on a plane and zooming all over the world. To me, that was the ultimate goal - to move out, be cool and travel.

I moved out when I was 21, and it was a horrifying experience at first. I had changed from that 15 year old fearless girl to a timid and self-loathing young adult. I was going through a rough breakup and living on my own, away from my dogs & family was one of the hardest things I've ever had to go through. I cried almost every day for a week, but in between crying I'd get excited.. because that was my place. Yet I was so lonely - I didn't have many friends in the city, and those I did know lived on the other side. It didn't take too long for me to snap out of it, though. The crying subsided and I started meeting new people at the jobs I was working. I also decided to find a roommate, which helped a lot.

I finally started to find my place in the city. I started to re-build my self-worth over the next few years. I'd never go through a horrendous breakup again, simply because I wasn't dating horrendous guys. (oops, I totally just jynxed that. Oh well.) But I also wasn't depending completely on my relationships, so when we'd break up, I wouldn't be completely lost - just sad and confused, but accepting.

Regardless, here I am today about to be 26. It's been almost 10 years since I was 16, dreaming of my future apartment in a hip neighborhood, hoping I could travel. Well, 16 year old Marjie, I hope I've done you proud. You have taught me so many valuable life lessons just by being you. There have been moments of weakness where I've sat there thinking "what happened to me?" and I'd remember the fearless girl you once were. I remembered how I didn't care what anyone thought of me, and that I had a plan, and dreams. I'm so proud to know that I've made a lot of my dreams come true.

Sincerely, 25 (soon to be 26) year old Marjie

Friday, January 4, 2013

Friends, if you haven't heard already via my facebook or twitter, my camera was stolen by a girl who lived with me for 11 days.

The story is here. You can see screenshots of her using my camera, as well as the sweater she stole from my shop on this post.

It hasn't been an easy time knowing that all I tried to do was help this girl out and this is how she re-payed me. However, what's done is done and hopefully I can get a good camera soon.

In the meantime, I'm stuck using my iPhone for pictures. It's better than nothing, but it's still depressing.

Thursday, January 3, 2013

I would like, more than anything, to sell everything I have in my Etsy store and start over!

I'm currently toying with the idea of starting a separate business for my nintendo perler bead art, my vintage and my handmade.. but since handmade is currently overtaking the vintage, I may just combine those two. Really not sure yet!! However, I'd absolutely love to go wholesale with my NES stuff - I just love making them on my layovers, in my free time, anytime really.

Anyway, since my last few posts have been more on the depressing/emotional/life lessons side, I decided to just post some awesome things I have for sale and some awesome things I found while browsing etsy last night! Come on, I know you got some christmas money..!!!

Someone in San Diego loves me oversized sweater - $26

Great Garfield coffee mug, only $6.75

pixelated half apron - how does it get better? Just $15 too! 

piranha plant flower magnet from mario! only $3.50!! 

Vintage Grasshopper Tennis Shoes in 8.5M - soooooo perfect for spring you'll want to wear them every day!!! 

I got some of these stickers for Christmas and they're awesome! Perfect for your scrapbook of your foster cats (...) or decorating your phone or whatever! And they're made by a friend of mine in Austin who ALSO fosters cats and has an FIV+ cat!!!  Just $3! 

I seriously cannot buy this because I've bought EVERY OTHER MAGNET from this seller and my fridge is so full of them. $3

Twin Peaks Pencils. Amazing. I will always love Kyle Maclachlan. This seller also has pencil sets with titles such as "Keyboard Shortcuts" and "Batman Fight Sounds"... just saying. Each set is just $6. 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

At the End of the Day, Do We Really All Just Want to Fit IN?

I saw a sign in the airport that showed a picture of a suitcase that said those exact words - "at the end of the day, we all just want to fit in" and it reminded me of my last great adventure - my interview at the big airline.

No, I didn't get the job. I didn't even make it past the first interview. I was nervous but confident, and I thought I was pretty qualified for the job, seeing as it is the exact same thing I do now. I almost cried when I didn't get it, but I couldn't. The entire day I thought I'd be more upset than I really was about it because being hired by the big airlines means you've "made it". It means you can look down on us regional stews because you were good enough for the big leagues and those guys aren't.

When I thought about all of this while I waited for my flight home to Chicago, I couldn't help but think "What the fuck?"

Is that what I really wanted - or needed? To finally feel like I made it, that I fit in, that I am successful? Do I really need a job or a recruiter to define what I feel is success, and do I really need to strut around bragging that I work for the big leagues? Uhh.. no. It's almost like 7th grade Marjorie came out - the same one that wanted to fit in everywhere. I wanted to be in cheerleading even though I couldn't care less about the actual act of cheerleading. I wanted to be in basketball even though I really hated the game. I just wanted to be part of these teams because I wanted to belong. Even in highschool, I found a way to finally "fit in" with the "misfits" by shaving my head and not giving a damn about what people thought of me. In a way, I still belonged to a group.

Fitting in and the act of trying is so exhausting. There are always more groups, more events, more steps to climb and you never really "make it" because you're always trying to get to the top. You never actually feel at peace with yourself because someone will always have it better. I never actually wanted to go over to the big airlines. I didn't want to give up my freedom - because at the regionals, you do get to choose your schedule and work where you want with who you want. You get time to travel every month if you wanted to! Over at the big airlines, you sit on reserve (on call) every month for years. You do get paid more, have a better union and better benefits, but I never wanted to give up my freedom to travel since that's why I do this job. (and I do enjoy the work, too)

I like staying in Chicago. I have a good home, good friends and my family is close. I have a life outside of my job, which many flight attendants don't. (And that's okay too.. but it's hard to have a life when you're on call 20 days a month.) I'm able to separate work from my real life and it's pretty great.

And here's what I think is the truth: So many people live vicariously through this flight attendant lifestyle. On the go, living out of a suitcase, traveling to exotic and foreign places, meeting celebrities - it's all really great and I love it! But so many people let it define who they are. They fit into the flight attendant world, and they run with it, because not everyone can do this job. They like to be set apart from everyone else. But I've found that when I let something like this define me, I lose track of who I really am on the inside and what I really want in my life. I didn't apply for this mainline job until November, and I literally was like "Ugh, well, I guess I should apply.. you never know..". They've been hiring for a year, and if I would've applied last year, perhaps I would've gotten the job. (I'm pretty sure they're done hiring, they just have to look like they're hiring right now.) I don't think I ever wanted this to be a career for me. Eventually, I want to find a good job working with animals or people or the environment where I can exercise my self-starting-totally motivated - change the world skills. & perhaps in 20 years I'll look back on that day that I sat on the steps in Houston, wondering what I did wrong and why I'm not good enough for this job, and think "that was the best day of my life."