small changes can lead to big differences.

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Things Change.

Something I've come to realize is that I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I'm pretty, that I can attract guys, that I'm doing my job right, financially stable, happy..etc.

It comes to be an issue when things pop up in my life and I have to make a decision. "Do I want this? Am I sure? How can I be sure that I want this?" are questions I ask constantly. Most of the time, things pop up that can be close to life-altering- interviews for jobs, new potential boyfriends, etc. I'm often weighing the pros and cons, thinking obsessively about the future and questioning every potential outcome.

I look around to the life I've created for myself. I have only been able to be where I am because I took major risks. I dropped out of my safety net (school) to risk becoming a flight attendant, and now I'm about to risk leaving my job for a better job in the same field. Do I want it? Why, sure I do. Who wouldn't? But am I ready for another potential life altering event? I could be based on the other side of the country! I would have to leave my safety and comfort of my friends, apartment and job that I've gained a lot of seniority in just to be based on the other side of the country and be the most junior flight attendant at the company. Of course, as all things work, the end product would be incredibly rewarding, but what if I regret it? What if I end up missing Chicago, giving up my foster cats, not being able to live the life I think I love?

And once I convince myself that I DO want it, that I AM willing to relocate and give up my current lifestyle, then come the haunting thoughts of "What if I don't get the job?"

What if I get myself so emotionally prepared - even excited - to start this new chapter in my life and I don't even get the job? It's incredibly likely, too. I know plenty of people who have interviewed just to hear "We'll call you." What if I come back broken-hearted, just to feel insecure, sad and confused?

There's a part of me that doesn't want to go through the interview. I'm perfectly capable of convincing myself that I don't want this job, that I'm fine where I'm at and that I couldn't leave my life here in Chicago. But there's that voice - that intuition, gut feeling - that's telling me I have to try, and I have to do my best. I have to break free of this irrational fear that I will be completely broken if I don't get this job. I have to trust myself that life goes on, and if I do the best I can do, that it wasn't meant to be. It won't mean I'm not good enough  it will just mean that perhaps the universe has other plans for me.

Our biggest regrets in life are almost always those things we didn't try. Those things we were too afraid to do, the things we let our fear convince us that we didn't need to bother with.

I was just talking to a ramper in Chicago who had a CPD hat on, and I asked him if he worked for the Chicago Police. He said no, but he had a chance to do so. He was supposed to show up one morning with a test, and he would've gotten the job. He didn't do it, and he told me he still thinks about it every day and that he wishes he had. I don't want to wake up every day and think "I wish I went on that interview."

So even though I'm pretty nervous and scared, I'm starting to trust myself that I can do this - and I will do the best I can. I know I'm charismatic, unique, and perfectly qualified for the job. If I don't get it, that's okay because I'm lucky enough to have a job doing what I love already. I'll just keep searching for that next step in life, and I know it will come.

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