small changes can lead to big differences.

Friday, December 21, 2012

They say your 20's is when you really get to know yourself. In the past six years, I've went from meek, shy, insecure girl, to way too confident and abrasive girl, to passive-aggressive (this was a short one, I hate being passive aggressive) to girly girl to finally, a good level of confidence and security within myself.

I know I'm pretty. Fun. Adventurous. My life is pretty great simply because of the nature of my job and my attitude towards it. I have two hilarious cats, I like to have fun.. who wouldn't want to hang out with me? Or, more importantly, date me?

And this, my friends, is where I am at today.

It's one of my harsher realizations. I've finally come full circle within myself, I'm finally happy with where I am in life and I'm ready for the next step. So, in true Marjie form, I try to fast-forward what I should just let be.

I literally think to myself "who wouldn't want me in their life?" and that's probably the problem. In the past few months, I haven't allowed one of my ex-boyfriends to be free of me. I know that he still likes me and will hang out with me, and we've gone weeks without talking but I'll see him at the airport and get excited because I do still really enjoy his company. That sighting will catapult us to start texting and calling and whatever, even though we both don't really want to be together (at least he told me he doesn't want to be with me). However, I still find that I demand his attention and I hate it when he doesn't have the time to call when I have questions about stuff.

I also think that I can get back any guy I used to date, which is absolutely untrue and  a very unhealthy approach to friendships and life. Not only am I not in any position to date anyone anyway, but I'm forcing myself into people's lives who are probably better off without me right now - especially since I'm unsure of what the future holds.

This afternoon I came to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to be lonely sometimes. I'm not going to like it, but not many people do and the funny thing is - I'm not alone. Lots of people are lonely. It doesn't mean I have failed as a person or I'm not good enough or anything - it just means that perhaps this time in my life is not the right time for me to find someone to date.

So, consider this my resignation and apology to those I've bombarded in the past. I only meant well, but I'm realizing that I need to let things happen naturally and I need to enjoy my life right now as it is. I still think I'm pretty, fun, and awesome, but I'm also going to have to get used to being all these things - alone. I always told myself that I wanted to make sure I felt "whole" as a person before I met someone, and right now I don't think I'm there yet. Hopefully, I will get there in 2013!


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