tales from 38,000 feet.. part 1

Our four-day trip was relatively smooth until the last day, when we had one leg to Austin at 6:20am.

Our first class was ridiculous. As I stood in the back, I watched as one of our passengers held up the entire line. I couldn't believe how long it was taking for her to sit in her seat - and it was one thing after another. After we got up in the air, my other FA told me what was taking so long. Our first class passenger needed her insulin refrigerated, couldn't understand what "gate check" meant, and insisted on trying to fit her bag in the overhead bin. Gently, my co-worker removed the bag and gate checked it. The passenger also made clear that she's a very inexperienced flier, which is no big deal but we didn't realize how inexperienced she really was.

I started to do my service. As you may recall, aircrafts have tiny aisles, and only the beverage cart fits in between the seats. This means you cannot pass while the flight attendant is doing her service. I get to the first row, and after I tell a disgruntled cowgirl (literally, she had boots, jean skirt and a shirt that said "TEXAS" on) that we couldn't offer her milk or lemons in her tea, I step back to retrieve her hot water and one of our other passengers in first jumps up and tries to go past my cart.

The operating of a beverage cart is not impossible, but I don't recommend you try to touch it when the flight attendant is 2 rows away. I calmly tell my first class passenger that there's no way to pass to go to the bathroom, and here, let me move my cart out of your way before someone gets hurt.

As I complete my service (having to go back to the galley again because our passenger came back from the lav..) my FA tells me, frantically but in a good way, that she had to open the liquor. "I was NOT anticipating opening this liquor! I can't believe I have to count it. When they ordered their drinks, I was like.. 'you want.. you want liquor?!!!' "

Because, remind you, it's 6:30 AM on a Wednesday and they're drinking - no, downing - bloody mary's and baileys. We don't usually judge, but this was just bizarre.

Since I was finished with my service, I got the full experience of our first class group. Our lovely lady who held up the flight during boarding was just out of this world. I watched as she helplessly tried to figure out her tray table. (My co-worker and I decided we weren't going to baby her. She had to learn on her own!) Then, as I was glancing at a magazine (because FA's don't read, of course!) I all of a sudden hear something crash and fall. Our lady has gone and spilled everything on her tray table - and her dentures have fallen out of her mouth. My co-worker went over and helped her pick up the trash and I saw her pause as she realized what that.. thing.. was on the ground. Our lady just laughed and laughed.

As I walked by to check on my cabin, she stopped me and asked me quietly.. "do you have any special secrets on using the lavatory?" and my mind could only come up with one answer. "WHAT?"

And again, as I walk by to do another check, "Could you tell me, because I have an connecting flight to Europe, where the best United Lounges are?" "Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not sure - we never go into the clubs" "Oh, that's right! You don't go into the clubs because You don't work for United!" "No, we're flight attendants. We don't go into the lounges." (I have this reoccurring problem of answering peoples questions bluntly and obviously. Yes, I know where all of the lounges are, but I have no idea which ones are better and if there are any differences. I tend to not offer any more information than I'm asked. My co-worker was much smarter than I was, and directed our lady to the nearest club, knowing that they're all probably the same.)

Upon deplaning, we're cleaning up and getting ready to go end our trip. But before we go, we marvel in what first class has left for us. Trash, newspapers, dirty magazines and more trash. They couldn't have the decency to hand them to us one of the many times we walked by asking for trash. Couldn't be bothered, too busy living the good life I guess.