small changes can lead to big differences.

Friday, December 21, 2012

They say your 20's is when you really get to know yourself. In the past six years, I've went from meek, shy, insecure girl, to way too confident and abrasive girl, to passive-aggressive (this was a short one, I hate being passive aggressive) to girly girl to finally, a good level of confidence and security within myself.

I know I'm pretty. Fun. Adventurous. My life is pretty great simply because of the nature of my job and my attitude towards it. I have two hilarious cats, I like to have fun.. who wouldn't want to hang out with me? Or, more importantly, date me?

And this, my friends, is where I am at today.

It's one of my harsher realizations. I've finally come full circle within myself, I'm finally happy with where I am in life and I'm ready for the next step. So, in true Marjie form, I try to fast-forward what I should just let be.

I literally think to myself "who wouldn't want me in their life?" and that's probably the problem. In the past few months, I haven't allowed one of my ex-boyfriends to be free of me. I know that he still likes me and will hang out with me, and we've gone weeks without talking but I'll see him at the airport and get excited because I do still really enjoy his company. That sighting will catapult us to start texting and calling and whatever, even though we both don't really want to be together (at least he told me he doesn't want to be with me). However, I still find that I demand his attention and I hate it when he doesn't have the time to call when I have questions about stuff.

I also think that I can get back any guy I used to date, which is absolutely untrue and  a very unhealthy approach to friendships and life. Not only am I not in any position to date anyone anyway, but I'm forcing myself into people's lives who are probably better off without me right now - especially since I'm unsure of what the future holds.

This afternoon I came to terms with the fact that I'm going to have to be lonely sometimes. I'm not going to like it, but not many people do and the funny thing is - I'm not alone. Lots of people are lonely. It doesn't mean I have failed as a person or I'm not good enough or anything - it just means that perhaps this time in my life is not the right time for me to find someone to date.

So, consider this my resignation and apology to those I've bombarded in the past. I only meant well, but I'm realizing that I need to let things happen naturally and I need to enjoy my life right now as it is. I still think I'm pretty, fun, and awesome, but I'm also going to have to get used to being all these things - alone. I always told myself that I wanted to make sure I felt "whole" as a person before I met someone, and right now I don't think I'm there yet. Hopefully, I will get there in 2013!


Tuesday, December 18, 2012


Since the moment we're able to react to other people, we are taught by our parents to be nice to others. We are taught the golden rule: treat others the way you want to be treated. Kindness generates Kindness. 

But as we get older and we start to form our own opinions and are placed into situations that test us, who we are stems from those decisions we make at that moment. 

Our decisions and our actions form the type of person we become later in life. Things that happen to us in middle school find a way to burrow into our minds and have an impact on how we react to others and form relationships. 

stepping back into memories. 
In the past few weeks, I've been beating myself up for not being "enough" for people. I flew with another flight attendant who was very territorial with me, letting me know my place in the crew. I was ignored by her and she demanded the attention of the other crew members every time we were together. I knew I wasn't imagining things because I've never worked with someone who was so territorial of pilots and passengers. I don't know if it's because she was intimidated by me or she just doesn't play well with others, but I recognized her behavior straight away and just went with it. I would have loved to get to know the cute pilot more, but I had almost no one on one time with him because she would constantly be taking up all of his attention. 
No, I'm not bitter, even if it sounds like I am. The entire trip, though, I was beating myself up over it because I couldn't understand why someone I just met would be treating me this way. I am a very social person, and to be ignored was not a normal circumstance for me. I'm not a competitor, either - I always include everyone in on whatever is happening. I love my crew family. 
After our trip, I would find myself thinking about how low I felt during that time. I was seriously depressed. The way she treated me reminded me strongly of a girl I knew in junior high that acted and treated me like my best friend but then as soon as she found out which guy I liked, she "stole" him away from me. It was the cruelest form of betrayal and I will never forget it, because it made me feel absolutely terrible about myself. 
After thinking about this and other memories, I started to realize that these occurrences, including the flight attendant I worked with, were affecting me way, way too much. Why was I still reacting to something that happened over 10 years ago? 
After doing some Google searching (clearly the best form of self-help) I came across an article that had the right thing I needed to see at the right time. 

What happened to me in 7th (yes, 7th) grade has been terrorizing me for ages. But for something that happened over ten years ago, something I only just barely remember, could the facts really be true? 
Yes, I remember walking into the gym during our swim meet (I never told you I was cool) and finding them cuddling together, but that's pretty much it. I don't remember what else they were doing, I just remember that scene. My feelings afterwards were those of self-hatred. I couldn't even swim well. I felt like my world was completely over because not only did I lose the guy I was crushing on, but I knew I lost a friend. But as a 26 year old girl, I'm realizing that these are just stories I'm telling myself. I am convincing myself that I was the victim, that I was the innocent girl who was betrayed by two people she thought cared about her. I'm telling myself that I can't trust anybody - even now - because that pain that I went through was almost the worst pain I've ever experienced. 

What if, instead of all that sad shit, I told myself that it just simply weren't true? 

I'm pretty sure I've gone through worse pain and that I will go through worse as I age and the natural progression of life starts to happen. I'm pretty sure that I don't want to be known as a "victim" but instead, a "champion." I am also 101% sure that while what she did to me was pretty shitty, I can't take it personally. I just can't, because she had some issues going on where her sense of self-worth was lower than mine, and this was her way of getting herself to feel better about who she was as a person. I've never had to do anything like that to make myself feel good. 

Once I asked myself how I would feel if those feelings I felt towards that situation simply weren't true, I noticed an incredible difference with myself. Almost all of my animosity towards that particular situation had disappeared. I started to realize that things like that happen to many, many people - and that what they did to me had no reflection on who I am as a person. I immediately realized what I told you earlier - she had sunk to an incredible low just to hurt me and make herself feel better - which is a situation far worse than mine. 

Realizing that I couldn't take that situation personally made me realize that I really couldn't be taking many situations personally. Going back to my flight attendant story - she had just met me and was alienating me the first night. I'm can't take that personally, because she has no idea who I am. Of course, at the time I was hurt, but I also think if I hadn't worked with her I may have never realized how I was taking everything as a personal attack. 

So next time you find yourself in a situation with someone, such as a betrayal, someone alienating you or just being plain mean - think to yourself "Before I take this personally, what if it just simply weren't true? What if this person is acting out because of something else going on in their life?" & I bet you will be able to let it just slide off your back. 

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Here are some pictures of cats.

You didn't ask for it, but here they are!! Pictures of my foster cats, Rocky and Mickey. You can learn more about these oafs over at

And yes, they're up for adoption! spread the word!



Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Things Change.

Something I've come to realize is that I don't trust myself. I don't trust that I'm pretty, that I can attract guys, that I'm doing my job right, financially stable, happy..etc.

It comes to be an issue when things pop up in my life and I have to make a decision. "Do I want this? Am I sure? How can I be sure that I want this?" are questions I ask constantly. Most of the time, things pop up that can be close to life-altering- interviews for jobs, new potential boyfriends, etc. I'm often weighing the pros and cons, thinking obsessively about the future and questioning every potential outcome.

I look around to the life I've created for myself. I have only been able to be where I am because I took major risks. I dropped out of my safety net (school) to risk becoming a flight attendant, and now I'm about to risk leaving my job for a better job in the same field. Do I want it? Why, sure I do. Who wouldn't? But am I ready for another potential life altering event? I could be based on the other side of the country! I would have to leave my safety and comfort of my friends, apartment and job that I've gained a lot of seniority in just to be based on the other side of the country and be the most junior flight attendant at the company. Of course, as all things work, the end product would be incredibly rewarding, but what if I regret it? What if I end up missing Chicago, giving up my foster cats, not being able to live the life I think I love?

And once I convince myself that I DO want it, that I AM willing to relocate and give up my current lifestyle, then come the haunting thoughts of "What if I don't get the job?"

What if I get myself so emotionally prepared - even excited - to start this new chapter in my life and I don't even get the job? It's incredibly likely, too. I know plenty of people who have interviewed just to hear "We'll call you." What if I come back broken-hearted, just to feel insecure, sad and confused?

There's a part of me that doesn't want to go through the interview. I'm perfectly capable of convincing myself that I don't want this job, that I'm fine where I'm at and that I couldn't leave my life here in Chicago. But there's that voice - that intuition, gut feeling - that's telling me I have to try, and I have to do my best. I have to break free of this irrational fear that I will be completely broken if I don't get this job. I have to trust myself that life goes on, and if I do the best I can do, that it wasn't meant to be. It won't mean I'm not good enough  it will just mean that perhaps the universe has other plans for me.

Our biggest regrets in life are almost always those things we didn't try. Those things we were too afraid to do, the things we let our fear convince us that we didn't need to bother with.

I was just talking to a ramper in Chicago who had a CPD hat on, and I asked him if he worked for the Chicago Police. He said no, but he had a chance to do so. He was supposed to show up one morning with a test, and he would've gotten the job. He didn't do it, and he told me he still thinks about it every day and that he wishes he had. I don't want to wake up every day and think "I wish I went on that interview."

So even though I'm pretty nervous and scared, I'm starting to trust myself that I can do this - and I will do the best I can. I know I'm charismatic, unique, and perfectly qualified for the job. If I don't get it, that's okay because I'm lucky enough to have a job doing what I love already. I'll just keep searching for that next step in life, and I know it will come.

New: Travel Cards!

Introducing new travel cards! Made with recycled materials and a typewriter, these are perfect for anyone in your life about to set out on a great adventure. More destinations are coming soon, including Asia, Europe and Hawaii! Click on any of the cards to view their etsy page.